I envy optimistic people. Sometimes even those annoyingly optimistic ones who remain positive even after a crow shits on them. Yeah! They call it a good luck omen, I know it’s something which gives them psychological relief, now who am I to put down such optimism with my fat pessimistic thoughts. I think, the more of a pessimist you are, more are your second thoughts. Because I can’t keep count of how many opportunities I’ve missed by my unyielding pessimism.
Sometimes I wonder, what am I doing in life? My plans were the same from the past 6 years, that’s to become a professor and now I have no other option than to follow it through. I don’t even know what I should do to make myself be happy AND rich. Maybe fashion designing? psychology? Oh, or writing a novel. The thought itself made me smile, being an author. Although I do try writing, it consumes too much of my time. I could’ve made it work if I had more free time and no college. Though I can’t quit college, What if I regret later? See, here comes the second thoughts. Life is filled with them.
But I am an impatient woman! Why can’t someone just tell me my future right now, so I can keep being hardworking but not feel like all this work is worthless. Now I know why people fall for psychics and tarot readings. They’re desperate and impatient just like me. But what if the future is worse and the present is the maximum joy I will derive in life? Then it’s better not knowing what’s ahead.
But I recently did something which brought me anxiety and truckloads of second thoughts. I gave my name for a group dance, and regretted it the next moment, thinking What if I’m the bad dancer, who messes the chance to win for the entire team? What If they can’t lift me up in the routine? and all this is not even worth fueling my self hate. But I’ve already missed years of my life, second guessing my decisions and opportunities instead of dancing to my heart’s content. So I just went for it. It’s going fine till now, sometimes I even enjoy the routine, actually no, I really enjoy it, I love dancing and I’m happy that I participated even though I am insecure all the time, that never goes away.
My exams are getting closer and I have still not started studying, to be completely honest I am going to dance away my grades this coming semester. It’s fine though, I wanted this for 5 years, so I’ll take the risk. I didn’t do shit for five years and still fucked up my exams, now atleast I’m doing what I love. So everything’s good till the 27th(the day of competition), then I’ll be back to were I have always been, studying science that I don’t even like, for a career I’m not sure I’ll have. Everything will be back to the old depressed state. Or maybe my life will take a whole 360 degree turn and change for good (Hahah saw how a single choice made me a little optimistic)
Lourdes Sheejo 