Author: Lourdes Sheejo

Categories
depression entertainment short story Uncategorized

Mad girl’s Love story



“We’ll meet again ”was the last thing I thought about before I shut my eyes and the darkness took me.


“Wake up sunshine” I heard the sound of Henry, one of the caretakers of this place, this place being the hospital for the mentally sick, a. k. a. Mad people. I was placed here after my unsuccessful attempt at taking my own life. If you ask me why I did it, I wouldn’t know either, I have no memory of doing it, sure life sucks and I wouldn’t care if suddenly the world dropped dead. I told this to the counsellor so she put me in here. If you ask me, jumping from a Two storey building sounds like a rookie mistake and now here I am constantly under surveillance but I’m trying to keep myself entertained by watching the antics of other patients.

Just yesterday, Ruth cut her own bangs then cried for an hour because it made her look like a horse. But that is not what makes her mad, the fact that she claims her dead grandma is the one who cut those bangs is why she is here. Sorry Rue but blaming granny for your bad decisions will only make you stay here permanently.

There is also Mary who killed her husband and 3 daughters because she loved them dearly and wanted them to be closer to God. I try to stay away from her, what if she starts loving me.

Then there is David who likes to pull down people’s pants at random times. But once you see him do it 12 times a day, it gets boring. This place is actually very sad and no matter how much I keep myself entertained, I just look forward to sleep time where I can shut my eyes and the world is dead to me. But then I wake up and they are alive, just like now.

Henry continued talking, oblivious to my inner monologue. I focused my attention on him “There is a new patient joining today and you are his assigned buddy to show him around”he said. I gave him a thumbs up and went to the hall to meet my new buddy. The buddy seemed to be around my age and was extremely handsome. Given that there was a scarcity of boys here who look cute and are my age, I was excited to show him around.
“Hi Sylvia, I’m Ralph,” he said. We shared pleasantries while I gave him a tour of the garden, which is the best part of this place. I asked him why he was here. He said that he works here and is not a patient, but given that he is wearing the blue uniform that they assign to the male patients, it is safe to say that he is delusional. He plucked a rose from the garden and gave it to me, said that it matched with my Red uniform and thanked me for showing him around. He sounded genuine and sweet. We struck up a friendship and everyday I hung out in the garden with him and spent time making up stories about the mad people here. Sometimes we did bird watching together. He said that he wanted to flyyyy and be free like a thunderbird.
He had a good voice and it used to brighten up my mood whenever he sang for me. We ended up sleeping together and then made a habit out of it, much to Mary’s wrath, she told me that I will not be welcomed in Heaven, though I am not sure which sin is she worried about, my attempt at suicide or me sleeping with Ralph. But how bad can hell be compared to this world anyway.

Today when Ralph did not come to my room I went to check on him and there he was, dead with a slit wrist. The world got to him I guess.
I did not scream or yell, I was numb and so decided to test Mary’s theory about heaven. I went to the roof and looked below. Two storeys look deep enough. I jumped.
“We’ll meet again” was the last thing I thought about before I shut my eyes and the darkness took me.

..

..

The story was inspired by the poem below:

Mad Girl’s Love Song
By Sylvia Plath

“I shut my eyes
and all the world drops dead;
I lift my lids
and all is born again.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

The stars go waltzing out in blue and red,
And arbitrary blackness gallops in:
I shut my eyes
and all the world drops dead.
I dreamed
that you bewitched me into bed
And sung me moon-struck,
kissed me quite insane.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

God topples from the sky,
hell’s fires fade:
Exit seraphim and Satan’s men:
I shut my eyes
and all the world drops dead.
I fancied you’d return the way you said,
But I grow old
and I forget your name.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

I should have loved a thunderbird instead;
At least when spring comes
they roar back again.
I shut my eyes
and all the world drops dead.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)”

Categories
short story Uncategorized

Judy and A

I like to call myself a die hard romantic who’s just unlucky in romance. I love love but love doesn’t love me back. Do you feel me?

My name’s Judy and for the past three years, I’ve had a crush on this guy who I saw at my aunt’s church. Let’s name him A. So Mr. A was a tall, dark guy with beautiful eyes and an equally gorgeous smile. To top it off he was an amazing dancer too! How could I not have a crush on him. But I’m not confident enough and lucky was not my name so I admired him from afar whenever I went to that church and stalked him on Facebook. This year I decided to go for the youth camp, where youth from different churches come together and camp.

Guess who I saw there? Mr. A! I was beyond ecstatic that I get to see him for three days. How did I get so lucky? So on the first day of the camp we had an icebreaker we played passing the parcel, where everyone sat in chairs in a circle, passing a ball, while the music played. When the music stops, the person holding the ball could ask anyone one of us a question, if the answer was no we had to run and sit on another chair while if it’s yes we we all remain seated. In each round the number of chairs kept decreasing and seat less people got eliminated. So the game was going well, I managed to get a seat everytime, then the music stopped and Mr. A stood up to ask a question and he got up looking directly at me and my heart skipped a beat, without losing our eye contact he stood at the centre and asked me.

“Do you have a boyfriend?”

we just stared at each other for a moment, he, waiting for my answer and I sitting tongue tied, then I said No and he smiled while all started running to grab the chairs to sit. We both didn’t get a chair. We both got eliminated.

While the game continued, I stood outside pondering about what had just happened, did I day dream? That’s when I heard “Hey” I turned to see Mr. A standing behind me. Dear God, he is so tall, he is smiling. Was I supposed to say something? He waited. “Oh, hey” I replied two seconds late like an idiot. “I’ve seen you in my church before” He said. I must say, Mr. A has a very deep boyish voice that gave me the feels. “I’ve seen you too” I replied, having nothing better to say. But I didn’t want the conversation to stop so I asked him what he does. We spoke some more though the conversation was not going anywhere, and I didn’t know how to keep it flowing, finally he said he’ll see me around and went to his friends.

I was never so shocked in my entire life, the guy I like just had a whole ass conversation with me. He wanted to know if I was single, do I let myself expect the unexpected? He is interested in me. While we retired for the day, I couldn’t wait for tomorrow, to meet him again. I woke up way early the next day in my dorm room which I shared with girls from other churches. We all had become friends instantly. These girls were cool and funny and fun, we had spent the whole night playing kho kho and mafia (a mind game)

We assembled for breakfast in the hall, and I searched for A. He was nowhere to be seen, I ate with my new friends and then I noticed him sitting with his friends. Should I wave at him? Will he wave back? Like a little chicken I didn’t wave. He didn’t approach me the whole day, didn’t even make eye contact! I’m leading to believe that I must’ve imagined that whole conversation yesterday. Before departing for the night, I gathered enough courage to look at him and smile, he smiled back but it was not his signature gorgeous smile. Disheartened, I decided I’ve shown enough courage for the day and left to go to my dorm.

He is not interested, he was just making conversation. I repeated in my mind and told one of my new friends about it. She gave me a life changing advice “Get over it bro” Why didn’t I think about that? Get over it and phoof I’m over it. It’s not that simple! But I tried listening to her and decided not to let him occupy my mind and stop me from completely enjoying this last day at camp with my girls.

The final day, we were made to play another game, where a balloon was tied to our waist with a long thread so that the balloon was at the floor level. We had to run and burst each other’s balloon with our foot while also trying to protect the one tied to us. The game started and I ran to burst some balloons and crashed my head on A’s chest, he smiled, but I’m not going to let it affect me this time! He is not interested, he was just making conversation yesterday. Judy focus on the balloon! I pushed him and stamped on his balloon and it burst. Never felt better! He was mildly surprised but laughed and ran towards me to burst mine, I didn’t run fast enough and my competitive Mr. A burst mine too. I told myself to stop thinking about him and ignore his smile. Argh! we both got eliminated and I walked away in the opposite direction to him and stood, didn’t look at him, nah ah, not even a peak. I swear! But he walked towards me, I kept ignoring him. “Hey you burst mine before I did yours! You don’t get to be angry” he said. I kept ignoring. “Come on Judy, you have to agree it was fun” he pleaded laughingly. God, he is so handsome he is way out of my league what was I even thinking. “I didn’t know you are such a spoil sport” he kept pestering. “Ugh, I’m not mad about that stupid game A!” I said. He was surprised, “then why are you mad?”

“Because you kept ignoring me yesterday, I thought you were interested in me!” I shut my mouth a little too late. He went quiet. I wanted the earth to swallow me right there, why did I say that to him!?

“I am interested in you” he said looking at me, he went on, “I thought you weren’t, because you didn’t seem to be interested in our conversation and I thought it’s better if I drop it, instead of making a fool of myself”

I didn’t know what to say to him, he thought that? And did he just say he is interested in me? Think Judy, did you hear correctly? Slowly I told him, “A, I am shy, I liked you way before you even knew me” I laughed, “Hell, I’m very much interested in you!” He smiled, and I wanted to kiss him then. Should I kiss him? I don’t know to kiss, should I close my eyes from the start or after our lips meet? What will h… He kissed me. He. Kissed. Me. Aaahhhhh and it’s amazing, I kiss him back, he is smiling I can feel it, I smile too.

.

.

Two month’s later…

Hey I’m Aaron, Judy had told me she is visiting her friend for the weekend. We decided to meet at the cafe. Damn, it’s crowded today. I didn’t get to see her after the camp, she’d gone out of town for an internship. It’s been two months of only texting and now I finally get to see her.

There she is, searching for me, I wave. My mouth automatically has a big smile. She is walking towards me, so beautiful, I can’t believe she liked me for three whole years. She was like a magnet pulling me at the camp, I had to ask if she was single and I can’t believe my luck!

She is here, smiling at me, I should kiss her now.

Categories
entertainment Korean drama Uncategorized

The beginning of a kdrama addiction!

I remember that day, three years ago, browsing back and forth between Instagram and Facebook, I was so bored out of my mind when I saw an article on Facebook, ‘Popular Korean dramas to watch’, they had 10 kdramas on the list with a small synopsis, and I read them all.

I decided to give ‘Boys over flowers’ a watch, just to see what the hype was about. If you’re a kdrama watcher (Is there any name for people like us?) Then you’ll have come across BOF, a classic.Boys over flowers

It’s a story about a girl, Ghum jan di getting into a elite high school and facing the leader of the elitist group F4 Gu Jun Pyo, leading to bullying, angst, comedy and romance. So yeah, I started watching the first episode on my computer and boy was I hooked! I stared at the screen and read each and every word of the English subtitle and slowly, a whole new world unveiled in front of me. I completed 8 episodes in one sitting and stopped only because my mom started yelling at me to study. But damn, that day started my love for Korean dramas and Lee Min Ho (the male lead)

Boys over flowers

I started browsing all of his kdramas and religiously watched each of them starting from ‘Personal Taste’ in which he acts as a gay man so that he could rent the female lead’s room. It’s a cute and funny romance, ‘Faith’ followed it and my obessession for him ended with the ‘Heirs’ drama. Heirs gave me the second lead syndrome (where you love the second lead more and root for them to get the girl)

The second lead was Kim Woo Bin. The moment Woo Bin entered the screen, I couldn’t take my eyes off him! He looked so evil and rude and cunning and hot! and his signature eyebrows. yes I said it, His evil looking eyebrows were hot. Yeah you can say I fell hard for the bad boy. Kim Woo Bin in heirs

Kim Woo bin in Heirs

And I haven’t stopped loving him since. I searched for his other dramas and loved his red haired look in ‘White Christmas’, a murder mystery kdrama about a group of students stuck at their boarding school for the holidays, with a killer on the loose. It’s quiet engaging and would 100% recommend if you want to watch something with minimum romance. But Kim Woo Bin was never the main lead in any of them, yet. Then came his first ever leading drama ‘Uncontrollably fond’ and I bawled my eyes out watching it, as he acts as a terminally ill hero. I am eagerly waiting now for a new drama of his. Meanwhile I watched his movie ‘Twenty’, which is about 3 friends in their twenties navigating through life. It’s light and funny romance, I recommend watching it when you are bored and would love a laugh.

Along the course of these three years, I watched many more Korean dramas and dabbled a little in Chinese dramas too (‘Lady and liar’, ‘Across the ocean to see you’) I must confess, I love the sound of Mandarin more than Hangul (Korean language). It’s more soothing to the ears, But Korean dramas will always have my heart.

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So now I’ve told how I fell into the amazing and whimsical rabbit hole that’s kdramas, I’ll tell what I like and dislike the most in them. Let’s dig deeper shall we?

What makes them so addicting, is the element of newness; the new Korean culture, the new faces that we see and fall in love with on screen. By having our biases (favorite Korean actors), the European standard of beauty, changes for us and we open up to finding beauty in East Asian features. Of course the breathtakingly beautiful scenery of South Korea is equally enticing, making us wish we could visit there atleast once.

Beautiful cherry blossoms
Famous Jeju Island

There’s always new concepts that’s woven around a plot, be it a supernatural element or a psychological disorder. That doesn’t mean that, there’s no typical cliche romance or revenge plots at all, but there’s always other amazing stories to compensate.

But as I started watching more and more dramas, I’ve realized the lack of strong female leads in them. The male is, most of the time dominant while the female acts cute and stereotypical feminine. While there is nothing wrong in being more “feminine”, but after a certain amount of kdramas, the sexism gets boring.

But I did find a few good feminist romance among the classics like ‘Coffee Prince’, my first gender bender drama, where the girl pretends to be a boy to secure a job at the coffee shop owned by the guy. It was refreshing to see the male lead accept that he’s fallen for a guy and respects that feeling, as opposed to being homophobic.

Coffee Prince

Later as the show progresses, the female lead’s identity is revealed and the romance keeps blossoming. Coffee Prince did an amazing job at not falling into that stereotype and made the female lead pretty darn independent. After that, I started searching for drama with badass female leads and fell in love with Ha Ji Won in ‘King 2 hearts’ in which she is a North Korean special forces officer (pretty badass I must say) while the male lead is the prince of South Korean. While by the end of the drama she turned docile, which I prefer wouldn’t have happened, I still loved this Ass kicking heroine.

Ha Ji won in King 2 hearts
In Secret garden

Her other drama, ‘Secret garden’, where she plays the role of a stunt woman while the hero is a Chaebol (a rich business man), revolves around them switching bodies! A concept that’s quite fun to watch. Her dramas are a must if you want romance between equally strong leads.

There should also be a limit to the amount of wrist grabbing and abrupt kissing that happen to the female leads, it’s not romantic. But now I’ve started seeing a change in our modern dramas where they are trying to balance the male/female power dynamics. ‘Weightlifting fairy Kim Bok Joo’ being one of the best lighthearted romance I’ve ever seen, where the female lead is a weight lifter and the male is a swimmer. The drama breaks stereotypes with such subtlety that’s pleasing to the eye. and the male lead, with his cute gestures and non domineering personality is a true boyfriend material.

Weightlifting fairy Kim Bok joo

Among others, ‘It’s okay that’s love’, ‘Strong woman Do Bong Soon’, ‘Descendents of the sun’ ‘Fight my way’ and the latest ‘Hyena’ are proofs of how script writers are now striving for a stronger no nonsense female leads and creative romance plots. As always, I can’t wait to watch them. So here’s to enjoying many more phenomenal kdramas to come!

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For the best kdrama recommendations, stay tuned for my next blog. Tah tah!

Categories
Uncategorized

Second thoughts

I envy optimistic people. Sometimes even those annoyingly optimistic ones who remain positive even after a crow shits on them. Yeah! They call it a good luck omen, I know it’s something which gives them psychological relief, now who am I to put down such optimism with my fat pessimistic thoughts. I think, the more of a pessimist you are, more are your second thoughts. Because I can’t keep count of how many opportunities I’ve missed by my unyielding pessimism.

Sometimes I wonder, what am I doing in life? My plans were the same from the past 6 years, that’s to become a professor and now I have no other option than to follow it through. I don’t even know what I should do to make myself be happy AND rich. Maybe fashion designing? psychology? Oh, or writing a novel. The thought itself made me smile, being an author. Although I do try writing, it consumes too much of my time. I could’ve made it work if I had more free time and no college. Though I can’t quit college, What if I regret later? See, here comes the second thoughts. Life is filled with them.

But I am an impatient woman! Why can’t someone just tell me my future right now, so I can keep being hardworking but not feel like all this work is worthless. Now I know why people fall for psychics and tarot readings. They’re desperate and impatient just like me. But what if the future is worse and the present is the maximum joy I will derive in life? Then it’s better not knowing what’s ahead.

But I recently did something which brought me anxiety and truckloads of second thoughts. I gave my name for a group dance, and regretted it the next moment, thinking What if I’m the bad dancer, who messes the chance to win for the entire team? What If they can’t lift me up in the routine? and all this is not even worth fueling my self hate. But I’ve already missed years of my life, second guessing my decisions and opportunities instead of dancing to my heart’s content. So I just went for it. It’s going fine till now, sometimes I even enjoy the routine, actually no, I really enjoy it, I love dancing and I’m happy that I participated even though I am insecure all the time, that never goes away.

My exams are getting closer and I have still not started studying, to be completely honest I am going to dance away my grades this coming semester. It’s fine though, I wanted this for 5 years, so I’ll take the risk. I didn’t do shit for five years and still fucked up my exams, now atleast I’m doing what I love. So everything’s good till the 27th(the day of competition), then I’ll be back to were I have always been, studying science that I don’t even like, for a career I’m not sure I’ll have. Everything will be back to the old depressed state. Or maybe my life will take a whole 360 degree turn and change for good (Hahah saw how a single choice made me a little optimistic)

Categories
checklist psychology Uncategorized

Things I was grateful for:

My friend told me to practice every morning, writing down 3 things I was grateful for from the previous day. she said that it helps to have a positive day ahead. I was cynical as always, but I gave it a shot, for two weeks and I have to say, it didn’t help at all.

Categories
letter psychology slice of life Uncategorized

A letter to my future self

Dear future Lourdes,

I am not feeling so good in my heart right now, my brain is filled with insecurities and negative thoughts, and I hate my body. I am sad constantly and when I’m not, I am bored! But if you’re reading this, it means that you made it through despite everything. Yay.

I hope you’re happy right now, and that you love yourself a lil better. I hope something exciting is happening in your life right now and that you are clear headed about where you’re headed.

Are you dating? Have you found your love? I know the probability of that is too low but a girl can dream, right! Have you made your Dad proud yet? Did you buy your dream house and Did you take Mom and Dad on a family vacation that you promised yourself? Is Nooreen still your Best Friend? Did she find her happiness? Are Lallus gang still in contact with you? I’m sure you still love your cousins, all four of those shits, how many of y’all have kids right now? I hope y’all are still having those Dinner parties, laughing your asses off over the inside jokes and games.

I just hope you are happy, healthy, rich and in love.

Yours truly,
Past Lourdes.

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